Why Can’t I Control My Eating?

Have you ever wondered, “Why can’t I control my eating?” Maybe you were sitting at the dinner table or out at your favorite restaurant, and you find yourself eating beyond stuffed because the food is just “too good,” or you don’t know when you will get it again. But then you spend the next few hours miserably full and berating yourself for “losing control AGAIN!” You tell yourself, “This is the last time. Tomorrow, I will take control of my eating once and for all!”

Sound familiar? Let me tell you, you are not alone in feeling that way. I, along with many other women, have been in this exact same spot, feeling this exact way and then feeling hopeless and defeated when tomorrow comes, and I still don’t have control over my eating.

I want to introduce you to Sarah. Sarah has always struggled with her eating and body image. She has been on many diets with no success and finds herself in a constant battle between restrictive eating and binging. Growing up, she witnessed her mom on every fad diet possible and saw that her mom’s day was dictated by the scale. If the scale read right, her mom would have a good day, but if it didn’t, her mom became anxious and irritable. Sarah’s mom constantly commented about losing weight and scrutinized foods as “good” or “bad.” At school, Sarah was teased about her weight, which made her more self-conscious. As an adult, Sarah is obsessed with her appearance and doesn’t understand why she can’t control her eating, no matter how hard she tries. 

So why do you and many other women like Sarah struggle to gain control of your eating? I will tell you, and you might be surprised, that it has nothing to do with willpower or motivation. It has everything to do with trauma. That’s right, TRAUMA! So, let’s dive in!

When the word trauma gets thrown around, most people tend to think of the big T traumas like physical abuse, sexual abuse, or a natural disaster. But lo and behold, there are also little T traumas that, along with big T traumas, impact our development. Little T traumas may be things we think of as a natural part of life or a right of passage in childhood, such as strict or judgemental parents, bullying, or societal standards. However, these can profoundly impact our view of self and affect our relationship with food. 

The Impact of Childhood Experiences on Disordered Eating

How your parents spoke about food, body image, and dieting when you were a child shaped your view of yourself. If your parents were fixated on dieting, weight, or appearance, it’s likely that you got the message that these were important standards to uphold and ultimately influenced your relationship with food and your body. An example of this would be your conditioning to eat foods that parents deemed “good” and restricting foods parents deemed “bad” without a second thought, even in adulthood. Or your constant need to look “presentable” or “put together” because your parents had high expectations of appearance. 

The Harmful Effect of Parents’ Words

When your parents made comments about your body as a child or even their own body, it began to shape your view of the “ideal” body image. Even seemingly innocent comments like “You’d be so much prettier if you lost a little weight” or “We need to watch what we eat so we don’t get fat” can leave lasting scars. These comments can make you feel your worth is tied to your appearance and drive you into disordered eating patterns to try and make you meet those expectations. 

Modeling Body Image and Dieting

As children, we often learn behaviors from watching how our parents interact with us, close family and friends, and in society. These learned behaviors can form unconsciously without realizing we are repeating them. If your mom was always on a diet, watching her calories or scrutinizing her food, or your dad made comments about needing to “work off” certain foods or “lose the love handles,” you might have started to engage in similar behaviors and considered them a normal part of life. Watching your parents engage in restrictive food behaviors or criticize their bodies can make you feel that you should do the same. This can create a cycle of disordered eating habits that are difficult to break. 

Peer Influence on Body Image and Disordered Eating

Not only do your parents’ words affect you, but so do the words of your peers. As you grow, peer influence becomes another significant factor in how you view your body and your relationship with food. Comments from peers, regardless of whether they were meant to be hurtful or not, can significantly impact your self-worth and body image. 

Comments like “You’re too skinny” or “Why are you so fat?” can stick with you for years and make you believe that something is wrong with your body. When you believe that your body is “not good enough” in the eyes of others, you will start to fixate on changing your body through dieting, over-exercising, beauty procedures, etc., to “fit in” with your peers.  

Direct comments from peers is not the only form of peer influence that affects your self-worth and body image. Observing your peers also teaches you what is considered an “acceptable” body image. Seeing other kids who seem to have the “ideal” body can make you feel inadequate and trigger unhelpful eating behaviors. 

Comparing your body to that of your peers and the desire to fit in and be accepted follows you into adulthood and continues to drive your disordered eating patterns. If you’ve ever felt that changing your eating habits or appearance would make you feel more accepted, you are not alone. This pressure can feel overwhelming and seem impossible to change, but let me release some of this pressure for you right now….You can absolutely let go and heal from past trauma to find peace within yourself and your body!

Diet Culture’s Toxic Message and its Role in Disordered Eating and Body Image

Beyond the influence of parents and peers, diet culture and societal standards play a massive role in developing disordered eating. You are constantly bombarded with messages that tell you that your worth is directly connected to your appearance and that being thin is superior.

Diet culture is telling you that you should always strive to lose weight and change the way you look to be accepted. This message harms your well-being and can lead to guilt and shame when you don’t meet these unrealistic standards. You are constantly being exposed to images of “perfect” bodies on social media and TV, making you feel like you are never “good enough.” This ultimately affects your mental health and continues to feed your disordered eating habits as a way to try and achieve the impossible. 

I want to normalize this right now and tell you that It’s okay to get angry at society and diet culture for creating an impossible expectation for everyone to fit into. Angry is an action emotion and, with it, a desire for change. So get a little angry and know that your struggles with food and body image and the inability to meet this standard is not your fault!! You, and many other women, are the victims of the toxicity that is diet culture. And I want you to know that you can let go of diet culture’s expectations and heal your relationship with food and your body. 

Now….Back to Sarah. 

Sarah’s struggle with feeling out of control around food is deeply rooted in the trauma she experienced growing up. The way her parents spoke about body image, the comments from peers, and the influence of diet culture all contributed to her disordered eating. If you ask yourself, “Why can’t I control my eating?” it’s important to understand that it’s not your fault. The experiences you had growing up have shaped your relationship with food and your body. Healing from this trauma and developing a peaceful relationship with food takes time, patience, and compassion.

Just like Sarah, many women find themselves caught in a cycle of disordered eating, feeling powerless to change. But by understanding the impact of trauma on disordered eating and body image, you can start to unravel the reasons behind your struggles. Remember, healing is possible; you don’t have to go through it alone. If you are ready to heal from the trauma causing disordered eating and negative body image, please click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me. I would love to support you in finding peace with food and your body. 

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Jarae Swanstrom is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor practicing online throughout Idaho. She believes in a holistic approach to therapy, focusing on healing the whole body. Jarae helps women heal trauma causing disordered eating and negative body image. Learn more about Jarae or schedule a free consultation at mountainrivertherapy.com.